Holding onto Faith in the Midst of Loss: My Journey through Four Miscarriages

I didn’t know this would be my story. I didn’t know that this would be the journey I’m faced with when I wanted to have babies. In the quiet spaces of my heart, I acknowledge the lessons I’ve learned that have emerged from my journey through four miscarriages. Each loss, while a unique shade of heartache, has become a testament to the unwavering faith that has anchored me through the storm.

Yes, I took a break from social media this month because I had a miscarriage for the fourth time. Typing that hurts but I’m really learning how to get my mind right before the pain is unbearable.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

When Ignorance Was Bliss

I didn’t really think about miscarriages after my first pregnancy. I’ve heard of them but to think they would happen to me was so far from my mind. It’s hard to put into words how I felt back then so I’ll let my old blog posts do the talking:
January 2014
Feeling excited that we’re pregnant less than 3 months after we got married

February 2014
First pregnancy loss heartbreak

February 2016
Second pregnancy loss heartbreak
My D&C Experience
Post D&C Days
Coping with Pregnancy Loss
Months After Pregnancy Loss: April 2016, May 2016, June 2016, August 2016, September 2016

Reading my previous blog posts really give me a reason to remember the faithfulness of God through it all.

We found out through testing after the D&C (with my second miscarriage) that we lost a baby girl. She had an extra 15th chromosome (Trisomy 15) and I remember reading during my research that “Cases of liveborn mosaic trisomy 15 are rare, with most children passing away in infancy due to congenital anomalies.”

Knowing the reason behind that loss helped, but it was still such a difficult journey when I didn’t know if we’d ever have a successful pregnancy.

I truly am working towards surrendering it all to God for His plan is greater than my plan. I just can’t help but wonder why it has to be this difficult.

Me on September 2016

The Rainbow After the Storm

October 2016, I found myself pregnant again. This marked my third pregnancy, and thankfully, it was the first one that my body carried to full term.

We named her Hope. She’s 6 years old now and our most special double rainbow.

2020: The Year of Covid but a Blessing in Disguise

It took us another 3 years to get pregnant again and while it had been a few years since all our heartbreak, it wasn’t lost on me that it could happen again. With all the unknowns of Covid, it was very scary to be pregnant that year (and also very lonely because I was the only one allowed at my doctor appointments) but thankfully, everything went well.

It was even a year that was a blessing in disguise for me because Hope was turning 3 and I had already gone back to work full-time. When the shutdown happened because of Covid, I was able to spend all my time with her while working from home and teaching virtually. I found out I was pregnant the day before schools shut down, and I was able to safely stay home throughout my pregnancy.

God knew that 2020 was a challenging year and he gave us our second blessing that year and we named her Faith.

2022: 2 Under 2?

I found out I was pregnant again in February of 2022. It would mean having a newborn in October, just as Faith was about to turn two years old in November.

Honestly though, I didn’t expect that after two successful pregnancies, I would experience my third pregnancy loss. I thought experiencing a miscarriage was a thing of my past, but it wasn’t. We had another early loss.

2023: Baby #3

Then here we are to right now… November 1st of this year, I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 (again).

We were so excited. We lost baby #3 last year and now, here we are: this is it! Faith will be a big sister and we prayed every single night for this little baby.

We had our first appointment on November 30th after a few weeks of doing what I always did: progesterone pills, baby aspirin, and a lot of praying.

John went with me and we saw our sweet baby’s strong heartbeat. He/she was measuring smaller than what was expected so we were asked to make another appointment for another ultrasound in a few weeks.

At my December 8th appointment just one week later, baby’s heartbeat had stopped.

This now marks my 6th pregnancy and my 4th loss. I’m still very much grieving this loss along with the others. It’s still very fresh. I’m going to use this blog to process my own thoughts on all of this because I’m now nearing the point where I’m not sure what I want.

The Lessons Behind My Multiple Pregnancy Losses

I’ve learned that I can get through this no matter what. I know that God is with me. It doesn’t mean I can’t be mad. It doesn’t mean I can’t be sad, but I can count on Him to get me through this as He already has done before.

Embracing Vulnerability

Through the tears and heartache that accompanies loss, I’ve learned the strength that lies in vulnerability. It’s okay to grieve, to question, and to feel the weight of the unknown. In embracing vulnerability, I’ve found that healing can begin as I let my faith take root in the raw, honest spaces of my heart.

While this type of personal blog post will be written mostly for myself (as a way to journal my thoughts), I am choosing to publish them publicly in case one day, another mom out there experiences a similar heartache and she reads my words and realizes that what she’s experiencing and what she’s feeling isn’t entirely different from my own loss – maybe, just maybe, she won’t feel so alone.

Surrendering Control

My miscarriages taught me the profound lesson of surrendering control. In releasing my grip on the illusion of certainty, I’ve allowed faith to flourish. It’s a recognition that, amidst the unpredictable nature of life, there is a greater plan unfolding. My painful experiences can contribute to a future blessing.

God is in control. I surrender it all to Him because only He knows the perfect plan for my life. He never promised a life without pain. He never promised a life without heartache. He’s shown me time and time again that His plans are better than mine and the waiting will be worth it.

Discovering Strength in Community

The journey through loss can be isolating, but I’ve come to appreciate the strength found in shared stories and shared pain. It’s not that misery loves company, but rather, finding comfort in others who’ve faced similar challenges. Each story highlights the strength of the human spirit and the support shared among those who comprehend the language of loss. In community, faith blossoms, and we find strength in the shared narrative of hope and healing.

I’ve joined several Facebook groups that are helping me through this and while they’re all online communities I wish I wasn’t a part of, they’re still communities that I need now whether I like it or not.

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support FB group
Loved Baby: Christian Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss Support for Women
Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth & Miscarriage Support Group (Worldwide)👣💜

Holding onto Faith

Faith is not a shield against pain but a companion through it. It’s a gentle whisper that reminds me that, even in the darkest moments, I am not alone. Faith is not the absence of hardship but the presence of hope despite it. It’s an anchor that grounds me when the storms of grief threaten to pull me adrift.

Trusting in God’s Timing

The most profound lesson has been the art of trusting in God’s timing. From my very first blog post after my first miscarriage, that’s something I’ve learned. In the quiet aftermath of each loss, I’ve seen how God’s plan unfolds in its own time. The unanswered prayers and the silent whispers of comfort have taught me that there is a rhythm to life. Faith flourishes when we trust in the unseen and surrender our timelines to Him.

In sharing these reflections, I hope to offer peace and comfort to those navigating similar paths and to illuminate the resilience that lies within our grieving hearts. Having faith is not a destination but a journey— one that unfolds in the poignant moments of vulnerability, surrender, community, and a steadfast trust in Him and Him alone. As I continue to hold on to my faith, I am reminded that, even in the midst of heartache, the seeds of hope and the gentle whispers of grace are never far away.

XOXO,

Diana